You Are Ruining Your Own Damn Day

Some days you are just irritated for no reason.

We have feelings and then we justify them. We tell ourselves stories to make sense of our feelings.

“You said that thing that I hate and now I’m just really on edge.”

“I didn’t get any sleep last night because my neighbors were up moving furniture all night long, so I’m sorry if I’m a bit snippy today.”

“Traffic was horrendous this morning. It just totally ruined my day.”

“Mars is in retrograde.”

These are all fictions. Stories. Myths that we tell ourselves to explain things that are otherwise beyond our explanation.

Each of them might be factually true, but blaming them for our mood is senseless. Have you ever had a good day? Of course you have. Have you ever been in traffic on a good day? Possibly. If not that, then I’m sure there was something else that happened to you on your good day that, were it to happen on a bad day, would become the object of your blame.

What I’m trying to say is, there are times we are sad or angry or irritable, and there are times we are happy or calm or easy-going. The difference isn’t because this or that thing happens to us; the difference is us.

When you have another day where you feel like you “woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” try to be cognizant of the fact that you had utterly no control over which proverbial side of the bed you woke up on, and neither did anyone else.

Your spouse didn’t set you off; you were set off the moment you became conscious in the morning. 

The traffic didn’t ruin your day; your day was “ruined” because of chemicals in your head–fermions and bosons, when you get right down to it–that mixed and mingled in such a way as to cause you to think negative thoughts rather than positive ones.

Mars is too far away to have anything to do with you. Stop talking like that.

The trick is to simply recognize the truth about your feelings–that they are random and outside of your control–and remember your Vulcan Buddha training. Recall that you don’t want to let your emotions guide your speech and actions, let alone whether or not your day is “ruined,” and remain strong in the face of perceived headwinds.

 

 

Would Marcus Approve of the Five Things?

He’s clearly holding up five fingers.

Reading through Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, I came upon this little nugget [emphasis mine]:

Occupy thyself with few things, says the philosopher, if thou wouldst be tranquil.– But consider if it would not be better to say, Do what is necessary, and whatever the reason of the animal which is naturally social requires, and as it requires. For this brings not only the tranquility which comes from doing well, but also that which comes from doing few things. For the greatest part of what we say and do being unnecessary, if a man takes this away, he will have more leisure and less uneasiness. Accordingly on every occasion a man should ask himself, Is this one of the unnecessary things?Now a man should take away not only unnecessary acts, but also, unnecessary thoughts, for thus superfluous acts will not follow after.

I mean, he’s basically saying what I’ve been trying to say. That the fewer things you try to do with your time, the happier you will be. I can’t go so far as to say he’s advocating blissful boredom, because that’s not implied here at all. He’s just saying don’t spread yourself too thin.

In my own experience, pursuing too many things certainly leads to unhappiness. Sure, I might be happy in any given moment, but overall my enjoyment of life is diminished because I feel the weight of all the obligations I’ve given myself. If I commit myself to, say, building a bird house (something I’ve never done), and I go through the steps of buying the wood, finding the plans online, getting my tools out, and even cutting the pieces…but then I get distracted by other pursuits and a month later I realise I still have this bird house sitting there unfinished, that causes me great stress.

That’s why I will never build a bird house, and why I advocate The Five Things, specifically, and keeping your impulses in check, generally.

 

Meditation #32: Don’t be too opportunistic.

Don’t be overly-opportunistic. That is, don’t worry too much about using every opportunity you have to do something. That’s the problem I often run into. If I have a few extra minutes I wasn’t expecting, I start to go into high-alert, trying to think of what I can do to use that time.

Don’t be like me.

If you find yourself in a store you didn’t  expect to be in, don’t start thinking about all the things you could buy. Just don’t buy anything.

Generally, speaking, if you find yourself with extra time, money, or resources than you were anticipating, and if no good use of that time, money, or resources is readily available, don’t use it. Don’t feel obligated to use what you didn’t expect to have.

Meditation #30: You can’t choose what you want to want.

I didn’t choose to want the things that I want.

Say it again.

I didn’t choose to want the things that I want.

Let that sink in.

You want, you want, you want. But why? You already know your thoughts are not your own, that your impulses emerge without any conscious action on your part, and that if you aren’t careful and considerate, you will be a slave to them.

But the same is true for the things you think you want.

Do you like coffee? Why?

Do you love Game of Thrones? Why?

Do you have a strong desire to wear the latest fashions? Why?

The answer is, you don’t know. You didn’t choose to have those desires, any more than you chose to want a piece of chocolate cake when you’re on a diet. Any more than you chose to think about that fight with your ex while you were trying to fall asleep last night.

So what to do with this information? Same thing you do with any piece of information: Consider it, study it from every angle, figure out how it’s relevant.

Meditation #29: Be thankful for being bored.

If you find yourself being bored or unsure what to do, trying to remember what it was you wanted to do, stop a moment and be thankful for the experience. You are having a rare moment where no thoughts are intruding, where no emotions are pulling at you. You are impulse-free and you should embrace it. Let it last as long as it can. Take the next experience that comes along and enjoy that.

You are truly living in the moment, you just have to get out of your own way.

Meditation #9: Don’t do anything.

The simplest way to achieve blissful boredom? If you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. Too often I try to find ways to fill my time, mentally running down the list of interests or goals. Instead I should just accept that nothing in that moment is grabbing my attention, and just be blissfully bored.

The River, or: Let the Ice Cream Float

I imagine life is a river.

Wait, wait, hear me out. I know this is a totally original, never-before-stated concept, but I promise if you just keep reading it will start to make sense. Life isn’t an actual river. You’re not swimming right now. Relax. Sometimes metaphors are hard, and since this one is totally new and, like I said, original, I’m sure it will take some getting used to.

Okay, so. Life is a river.

You are in a boat as you venture through life, floating down this river. The river is extremely wide and unending, but it is filled with obstacles. Rocks jutting up from the depths, branches floating broadside, all manner of terrifying creatures and monsters that lurk under the boat.

But generally it’s a calm river.

Along with all the aforementioned obstacles, the river is also filled with…debris. Stuff. All shapes and sizes, all colors and textures. Not dangerous stuff, per se. Just…stuff.

It floats along next to you, close enough that you can reach out and grab it if you want.

And you do, because you do want. The things, some of them, are shiny. Or they’re pretty. Or they seem valuable.

They can look any way you imagine, but when you see them floating along by your boat you know you must have them.

So you reach down, over the side of the boat, and you pick one thing up. You examine it. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. It’s what you’ve always wanted.

You sit with it in your boat for a long while, filled with a happiness you didn’t know you could feel.

And then you spot another thing! It’s a little ways away, over there, but luckily you spotted it in time that you can steer your boat towards it. You intercept the thing, scooping it up out of the water easily as you pass by.

It’s different from the last thing. Not better or worse, just different. You put it on the floor of the boat between your legs, with the first thing. No sooner do you do that than you see yet another interesting thing on the horizon. You steer yourself towards it with relative ease, and now you’ve got three different, equally-cool things in your boat.

The next day, the first thing you spot is another thing just like the first one. It’s close by. You scoop it up and add it to the collection. Soon after, another thing, like the second one.

You add it, too.

Then another one like the third thing. It joins the rest.

You’re finding that the feeling of happiness you had is now more than that; it’s beyond just pleasure. This is a purpose. You must find more of all of these things!

You start scanning the horizon all day long, day in and day out, watching for more of them. After a few days, you’ve collected five more things, a few from each category. You spend your nights admiring your collection, and your days searching for more.

A couple of days go by without finding any more of the things you’ve been collecting. You start to wonder if you got all of them. Suddenly another thing catches your eye. It’s different than the others, and you haul it in.

It’s also very cool. Suddenly that feeling of worry you had just been experiencing has been replaced with newfound joy.

A new project! More things to collect!

Now you have four different kinds of things you’re on the lookout for. Within a couple of days your collection has grown wildly. Your boat is almost overflowing. What’s more, you have added more categories to your collection still. Every time you are looking for one of the things you already have, you find another cool thing!

This is bliss! You are finding so many cool things!

By now you have taken to sitting atop your pile of things, because it’s too tall to see over. You perch up there and look down at the river around you, carefully spying to find more of your precious items.

You see one off in the distance. It’s far, but you think you can make it.

You spend a minute carefully climbing down the pile, back to the aft of the boat where the rudder is. Finally there, you push the handle and the rudder turns…but the boat barely moves.

You try the other way, and the boat rocks a bit but still maintains its straight course.

It only takes you a moment to realize what’s wrong: The boat is too heavy. The weight of the pile, your excellent collection, is too much. It’s now that you realize the water line next to the boat is quite high. The boat is riding very dangerously low. Unable to steer very well, you watch helplessly as the cool thing you were going to get drifts by you and into oblivion.

You look at the giant pile and wonder what can be done.

While you wonder, you climb back up to the top to sit and wait. Surely another neat thing will come by, and the next one will be closer to you. You just have to accept that the things that are far away are too difficult to get to now. It’s the price of having such an amazing collection.

As you’re looking straight ahead, fixing your field of view only on the objects that your boat will directly intercept, you spot dark shape in the water. At first you think it’s some kind of interesting object, and you wonder if you could scoop it up.

But then you realize that’s not an option. It’s a rock, jagged and menacing, piercing up through the tranquil surface.

And it’s growing ever closer and closer.

Without being able to steer, you will have no choice but to collide with it.

Now you realize that something must be done, and it must be done immediately.

You have to pare down your collection. You have to make the boat light enough to steer.

But how much weight will you have to get rid of? And, more importantly, which things do you toss overboard? What items in your collection are you willing to part with?

You frantically start digging through the pile. You pick up the first item your hand grabs, and you look at it. You remember where you got it. You had so many plans for it. It’s such a cool thing! You can’t get rid of it just yet.

You set it aside and keep going. Surely you’ll find some things that aren’t important enough to keep.

You’re still digging through the pile when the prow of your boat splinters against the unyielding rock. You tumble down off the pile, landing on the rock with a painful crack of bone.

Conscious but in pain, you helplessly look up as the boat sinks before you…and with it, your precious collection, which disperses into the water and vanishes into a thousand pieces.

You are on the rock alone, and this is where you will die.

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Kind of a bummer ending. Sorry about that. The good news is, it’s a metaphorical rock, and a metaphorical death.

And you can avoid it by paying attention to what you put into your boat. Control your impulses, and you will be able to control your vessel.

That’s what VulcanBuddha is all about. An impulse is nothing but a thought wrapped in an emotion. Your impulse to eat ice cream isn’t your body telling you it needs dairy. Sorry.

It’s your subconscious telling you that you’ll be happier, if only for a moment, if you eat the ice cream; It’s telling you that you deserve the ice cream because you’ve been working really hard; It’s telling you that it’s not unhealthy for you to eat the ice cream, because you’re special.

It’s a thought (I want ice cream), wrapped in an emotion (I deserve ice cream).

Or maybe it’s an emotion wrapped in a thought.

Either way, if you are the kind of person who–when you’re not around ice cream or craving ice cream–doesn’t want to eat ice cream anymore, then you owe it to yourself to learn to recognize that emotional thought–a.k.a. impulse–and let it float by.

This goes for buying sports cars as much as watching YouTube videos as much as messaging that girl at 3 a.m. who you just met. It’s all about impulse management.

Your Past Self has made an agreement to become your Future Self, but the only one standing in the way is your Present Self.

Listen to your Past Self, not your Present Self, because your Present Self is notoriously fickle.

Don’t let him put stuff in the boat.